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Children and motivation: Learn ideas and techniques to motivate children to succeed at home, school and extra-curricular activities
While some children just seem driven by some inner force that moves them beyond expectation to accomplishment and achievement, others seem to lack that inner drive, and need to be moved upon by an outside force to accelerate themselves forward in the world. What is a parent to do when confronted with such a child? The task seems daunting at best and frustrating to say the least.
First, and foremost, a parent should never give away their power to a child! Never throw up your hands and say, “I give up on you!” or any other demeaning words. This will only serve to push the child further down into laziness. “Why try? Mom already told me I am worthless and won’t amount to anything.” All your efforts should be based upon a positive sense of worth and a feeling that you are sure they can do whatever is expected. These things can range from getting good grades in school, being responsible with chores at home, or doing their best at a musical instrument or team sport.
It is important to note the distractions that exist in your child’s world, especially in his home environment, that take up precious time and promote lethargy. These things need to be monitored and structured in a consistent way to minimize their effect of draining precious time and energy from your child. These might include video games, the Internet, computer games, television, videos, and excessive telephone use. These activities do not promote an energetic lifestyle where one is accomplishing much during rare free time. While they are fine in moderation, great care should be taken so that they do not become the primary focus of a child’s activities.
So what can we do to promote self-motivation in our children? While these distractive activities can weigh a child down and keep them from achieving their best in whatever they pursue, they also can provide the incentive or bargaining chip a parent needs to get a child going. The key is to find out what is important to your child. Is it TV time? Or time hanging out with friends? Maybe it is an ice cream cone or a special “date” with Mom or Dad. Whatever it is, find out, and use it in a consistent and structured way to motivate your child.
For example, if you are concerned that your child is not completing his assigned chores each day, you could construct a star chart or point chart with a goal attached. If the goal is attained, the desired reward is given. Giving the child the opportunity to choose his own reward ahead of time is always a good idea. Discuss with him what your concerns are and tell him you want to help him be the best he can be. So, you have this wonderful idea to keep track of his best work. Let him decide what his target goal should be (with your guidance of course), and also let him choose what the reward should be. Remember, you are the parent and reserve the right to final approval on all decisions. But, be as flexible as possible in allowing your child to feel the accomplishment of setting his own goals and receiving the reward. This is a wonderful life lesson!
One of the more successful things I have personally done was to attach a monetary system/reward to each task I wanted accomplished in a day. Each child had a personal chart that I made on the computer so I could print a new one each week. The tasks ranged from chores, practicing an instrument, homework, to personal care and giving service. Each task was given a monetary value. The amount was small ranging from pennies to dimes per item each day. It added up fast in a week’s time! I gave tasks that were most important to me, a larger value than the ones I didn’t care as much about. One day a week was designated as “payday” and on that day, they brought their charts to me and together we reviewed their accomplishments for the week. The appropriate “pay” was given and then we also discussed how much would go into savings and how much they could keep to spend themselves. This meeting was a great opportunity for me to dole out abundant praise for the jobs well done and offer encouragement to keep trying in the weaker areas. I was so surprised to see how suddenly my children were highly self-motivated to mark things off their lists! This was true for the 4 year old all the way up to my youngest teenager. The kids who were older than about 14 years old, were not as enthusiastic about the program as they could earn more money babysitting or in a part time job. But, for the most part, this system alleviated the tension and stress surrounding motivating my children to doing many of the activities that I desired of them each day. The key to making this or any system like it work, is parental commitment and consistency. You have to be willing to set it up and take the time to oversee it each day and each week. But, it might well be worth the effort!
You can build your own system designed to meet your individual needs. A good system will:
1. Make the expectations clear and understandable.
2. Be reasonably easy to execute.
3. Be based on positive goals and rewards rather than negative re-enforcements. (Note: Negative re-enforcements are sometimes necessary and should be used when needed but only when positive things are not as effective as desired. Such as taking away privileges until goals are met.)
4. Put the accountability on the child and not the parent to achieve success.
5. Be fairly painless for the parent to enforce while putting the biggest responsibility on the child for his own choices, meaning that if the parent is making the biggest sacrifices while the child just coasts along with no real consequences, then things are not going well.
6. Take much of the emotion out of it. You should be able to say to the child without yelling or demeaning that he can receive the rewards when he meets his goal. If he does not do so, the consequence is a natural one… no reward, sometimes backed up by a lost privilege. No need for yelling. Shut down whining fast! It will wear you down if you let them get away with it!
7. Include the child in making as many decisions as are appropriate.
While I have mostly focused on motivating children to do the daily tasks that most parents want their children to do, these same ideas can be easily adapted to motivate a child to work hard at school, or do their best in a sport or whatever they are involved in. It is up to the parent to set the boundaries for what is expected in their home and of their children. While these expectations need to be realistic, they don’t always have to be easy. Hard work teaches so many wonderful values and characteristics!
Whatever you decide to do, remember the three C’s:
Clarity – make sure the boundaries and expectations are clear.
Commitment – be sure you are committed to the time and energy needed to succeed.
Consistency – your child should be able to know without fail the results of his choices.
Combined with lots of love and laughter, you are sure to find the success you are looking for!
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